FLOOD OF OBITUARIES PUBLISHED IN INTERNATIONAL NEWSPAPERS
+ BY ALEXA WEBB ++ April 6th, 2009

The latest turn in the Amanda Palmer case has police doing damage control with the press. Officials thought they had made progress in the Palmer case upon discovering the body of the 32-year-old singer missing since August. But the events of Thursday morning have caused setbacks no one could have imagined.

The public sentiment over Amanda Palmer's passing is so great, mourners and fans have taken the obituary writing process into their own hands. Authoring and often submitting these pieces to newspapers across the world, fans are attempting to rally more awareness of the beloved singer's murder.

"It's a movement. We [expletive deleted] miss Amanda, and she would have loved this," says Journey Mullins, longtime fan of Palmer. "In fact, more people should do it. Take over the press!"

Newspapers don't seem aware of the trend, and are printing these pieces in small local papers across the world.

Several of the published obituaries are reprinted below.

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Amanda Fucking Palmer
April 30, 1976 – September 16, 2008
Submitted by Musings

Another senseless Boston tragedy has taken a true visionary away from us. The tragedy was so senseless that its exact nature cannot be spoken of, nor can the people responsible be brought to justice.

All that can be said is that a beautiful woman is dead.

Amanda Fucking Palmer was born anachronistically on April 30, 1979 in Lexington, Massachusetts. It was rumored that at the age of 2, Amanda was given a clarinet. When she tried to put it up her dress, her mother decided to try larger instruments and seated her at a piano.

The rest, as they say, was cruel history. After Amanda reached fame with the piano and her voice, she and an accomplice, Brian Viglione, left a shady trail of half-truths, deceptive identities, and magnificent art.

It is estimated that in over 75 cities around the world, and 5 continents, Amanda and Brian adopted at least 20 different identities including those of Britney Spears, Cher, the S.S., and your mom. Everywhere they went, they left in their wake the remnants of their horrible crimes -- the sounds of people singing and the sights of people boldly making art where no one had before.

Brian feared that it was only a matter of time before their illicit activities would catch up with them, and ran away with the circus. His exact whereabouts are still unknown, although an older sister wearing absolutely fabulous gloves and stockings claimed to be at the crime scene on his behalf.

Amanda, brazen and heady by fame, refused to hide. Instead, she began touring with a group of bodyguards aptly named “The Danger Ensemble” who threatened people who came too close that “We will fuck you up!” although a private investigator once managed to break through to her by offering to make out with any of them.

The very bravado that made Amanda proved to be her downfall, and the world will miss its classiest musician and criminal. Fellow singers Rihanna and Avril Lavigne both offered their sympathies to Amanda’s family, and vowed to cover Half Jack and Blake Says, respectively, at their next concerts.

After being asked for comment, her assistant Beth requested that in lieu of flowers, donations of organs and blood be sent to The Jimmy Fund in New York City, and then ran into a tinted black Escalade with vanity plate “MUFFIA”. A distraught Neil Gaiman was momentarily seen through an open driver’s seat window, and could be heard practicing lines from Shakespeare.

Amanda leaves behind a pony named Ukulele and a ukulele named Pony.

A memorial will be held at the Cloud Club where it is expected that thousands of fans will shave off their eyebrows, and afterwards, in a tribute to one of the very last performances she participated in, pour soy milkshakes over their bodies and into the ground where she is buried.

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Amanda Palmer
Died 16th of September 2008
Submitted by Oh Just Go Nameless

Cause of death: She acquired major stab wounds in the chest and abdomen. Police do not subject foul play and are treating this as a tragic suicide. The weapon used was a ceramic unicorn, found feet away from the crumpled corpse, with a bloodied horn.

Neighbours of the famous 'Cloud Club' have issued statements saying that the victim had been acting strangely for a few days prior to the event, building her very own spiegeltent in the front garden with nothing but zucchini cake and menstrual sponges. She then formed an army of lawn ornaments to protect the spiegel tent and was seen to be dressed as a pirate and calling herself Jenny as curious passersby shielded their children's eyes and old women fainted in dozens trying to run away from the supposedly deluded woman. One neighbour also claimed to see her rocking back and forth in tears, clutching a ukelele and mumbling about how it all just 'Runs in the Family'.

It is believed that Amanda was suffering from manic depression and low self esteem, constantly rebuilding her image in the guise of musical greats such as 'Meg White', 'Cher' and 'Britney Spears' in hope of finding herself but it seems that the search proved fruitless and she couldn't be comfortable in her own skin.

It is alleged that on the morning of the incident, Ms Palmer was seen trying to jump in front of Bus No 672, destined for the Shores of California but the driver Mrs O managed to stop in time. She commented 'Once I saw her stand out into the middle of the road, I slammed on the brakes, I didn't think we would stop in time, but I never stopped believing and it stopped just in front of her.'

An hour and a half later, A Mack Truck swerved to avoid what has been described as a Black and White striped blur that seemed to jump out in front of the truck.

It is thought that after failing to take her life in this way, she slumped back to the cloud club and used the magicial ornament to stab herself in the chest.

It is a rumoured that a note was found just beside the body saying 'I'd scarifice my body, if it meant I'd get the Jack part out'.

The funeral arrangements are yet to be made.

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Amanda Palmer: Singer, Performer, Authoress, Husband, Friend—1976-2008
Submitted by The King of Carrot Flowers

Amanda MacKinnon Palmer, a lifelong resident of the Greater Boston area, well known for being the lead singer, pianist and composer/lyricist for the Boston punk cabaret duo, The Dresden Dolls, as well as for her independent work, died on Tuesday, after a long battle with her local neighborhood watch, having been suspected by the watch of petit larceny. She was 32.

Palmer was born in Lexington, Massachusetts, to Jack and Kathy Palmer on April 30th, 1976. Her parents divorced about a year later, and their divorce, among other things, provided inspiration for many of Palmer's songs. Palmer's first experience with the piano was when she was four, when her mother would support her family as a freelance amateur cartoonist; Kathy included her younger daughter in an animated cartoon; in it, Amanda was crushed beneath a fallen piano and reemerged in an accordion-like semblance. Palmer vowed to master the art of the piano so that it could never crush her thereafter. (Upon seeing this cartoon, Jason Webley, a friend and frequent collaborator, who at the time was a five-year-old child living in Seattle, was inspired to take up the accordion.)

Palmer graduated from Lexington High School in 1994, having forged her diploma in her own blood. The presentation of said diploma sparked tremendous controversy and made the front page of seventeen Massachusetts news publications, as well as The New York Times. Palmer then graduated from Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut, in 1998. Upon receival of her Bachelor of Arts, she proceeded to smack one of her professors in the face with her framed diploma, claiming that there was "a very large, angry-looking horsefly" on the professor's face—in the biographical portion of her second book, The Virginia Companion, Palmer admitted that "Horse Fly" was a derogatory nickname given to the teacher by several students in her Criminology class. For no clear reason, her diploma was not revoked; however, Palmer did photocopy it several times and sent one copy each to every one of her former professors (including Horse Fly), as well as the Trustees of Wesleyan University, with mixed interpretations. One trustee saw it as an omen of his death; Horse Fly vehemently disagreed and, out of sheer contempt, used the facsimile in the place of bathroom tissue. Horse Fly succumbed to an aggressive hemmorrhoid days later.

After graduating from college, Palmer supported herself as a street performer, most notably for her living statue character, "The Eight-Foot Bride". Palmer also teamed up with her then-boyfriend, Jonah Sacks (who would collaborate with Amanda years later) to form Amanda Palmer and The Void.

On Hallowe'en of 2000, Palmer was introduced, through a mutual friend (Shawn Setaro, who would play electric bass guitar on The Dresden Dolls' debut album in 2003), to Brian Viglione. Viglione was impressed with Palmer's songs, and the two agreed to meet a week later. When they met again, they played with one another and, sensing a connection that would keep them together through the years, formed The Dresden Dolls.

It is rumored (but unconfirmed) that Palmer and Viglione were wed in secret six months later. The supposed wedding was overseen (supposedly) by Nina Simone. The alleged maid of honor was Brian Molko of Placebo; the alleged best man was Melissa Etheridge. The reception (which has been confirmed via videotape to have occurred) was sparsely attended; the expected guest list cited 250 people, including Edward Ka-Spel and George Clooney. Ultimately, however, only Palmer's stepfather, John, and an ingsoc gun salesman named Gizmo arrived. Ebert & Roeper gave the reception video "Three Thumbs Down", including the thumb of guest host Michael Pope.

Palmer and Viglione released four albums as The Dresden Dolls: A Is For Accident, a compilation album featuring many live songs; The Dresden Dolls, the band's eponymous debut album; "Yes, Virginia...", the band's second studio album; and "No, Virginia...", a collection of b-sides from the second album as well as various other musical contributions. Palmer had released and EP with friend Jason Webley under the name "Evelyn Evelyn", which was quickly sold out. She had also finished work on her first solo album, "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?" Ironically, she died about a month before its release.

Palmer is believed to have died after having been struck in the back of the head many times by a garden gnome and a plastic flamingo, which she reportedly stole from the assailant, an unidentified neighbor, many times.

Palmer is survived by Brian Viglione, her wife of eight years; Kathy and Jack Palmer, her parents; John, her stepfather; Allison, her sister; various distant relatives; the residents of The Cloud Club Artists' Collective; and by all of her fans and friends.

Calling hours will be from 8-10 PM on Friday. A formal procession will be held the day after at noon, exactly a month before the release of Palmer's first solo album. The procession will be overseen by a short Asian woman imitating Nina Simone. Friends and fans of Palmer and of The Dresden Dolls will perform every song released (with no repeats; some covers and comic relief songs will also be included) in alphabetical order. Afterwards, replica locks of Palmer's hair will be donated to the Locks of Love Foundation (they're meant to think it's her real hair, so keep quiet about it). Palmer's body will be vacuum-packed in cellophane, wrapped in bubblewrap and sent into space with an astronaut. The astronaut will then be instructed to jettison Palmer into space with a sealed bag of coffee grounds and a full hot water bottle.

In lieu of flowers, Palmer asks that every fertile female guest become pregnant during the procession. Also, memorial contributions may be sent to the Maybelline Cosmetics Company, The Global Gillette Company and The Empire S. N. A. F. U. Restoration Project. If guests still wish to send flowers, they should be sent to Brian Viglione, Mrs. Palmer's grieving widowed bride. Setlist for the funeral concert:

"672", as performed by Zombie Nation

"Ampersand", as performed by The King Of Carrot Flowers
"Another Year", as performed by Barbra Streisand (Palmer asks that she be clubbed post-performance)
"Astronaut (A Short History of Nearly Nothing)", as performed by Marilyn Manson
"Backstabber", as performed by Seean
"Bad Habit", as performed by egomania
"Bank of Boston Beauty Queen", as performed by John Cleese
"Blake Says", as performed by Sara Bareilles
"Boston", as performed by the entire population of Boston
"Christopher Lydon", as performed by Christopher Lydon
"Coin-Operated Boy", as performed by George Clooney (live lyrics used)
"Colorblind", as performed by Stevie Wonder
"Dear Jenny", as performed by Tegan and Sara
"Delilah", as performed by the Plain White T's
"Dirty Business", as performed by ___ampersand
"First Orgasm", as performed by Dita von Teese
"Girl Anachronism", as performed by Avril Lavigne
"Glass Slipper", as performed by Ed Harcourt
"Good Day", as performed by Gloria Gaynor
"Gravity", as performed by Ana Gasteyer
"Guitar Hero", as performed by Peter Frampton
"Half Jack", as performed by Rihanna
"Have To Drive", as performed by Annie Lennox
"I Know What Boys Like", as performed by Jason Webley
"Leeds United", as performed by the entire Leeds United AFC
"Lonesome Organist Rapes Page-Turner", as performed by Michael Jackson
"Mandy Goes To Med School", as performed by Jamie Lynn Spears
"Me & The Minibar", as performed by Len Tower
"Missed Me", as performed by Edward Ka-Spel and Ozzie Osbourne
"Modern Moonlight", as performed by Britney Spears
"Mrs. O", as performed by Jeff Mangum
"My Alcoholic Friends", as performed by Amy Winehouse
"Necessary Evil", as performed by Donald Trump
"Night Reconnaisance", as performed by Green Day
"Oasis", as performed by Oasis
"Pierre", as performed by Carole King and Brian Viglione
"Pretty in Pink", as performed by CCH Pounder
"Runs in the Family", as performed by Janet Jackson
"Sex Changes", as performed by Cyndi Lauper
"Shores Of California", as performed by David Lee Roth
"Sing", as performed by Stevie Nicks
"Slide", as performed by Einstürzende Neubauten
"Sorry Bunch", as performed by The Go-Gos
"Standing By Your Man", as performed by Pat Benatar
"Strenght Through Music", as performed by David Bowie
"The Gardener", as performed by Till Lindemann, Stephanie D'Abruzzo and Sean "Puffy" Combs
"The Jeep Song", as performed by the UPenn a capella singers
"The Kill", as performed by Hole
"The Mouse and The Model", as performed by Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul
"The Perfect Fit", as performed by Rosie O'Donnell
"The Point of It All", as performed by Nightwish
"The Sheep Song", as performed by Hugh Laurie
"The Time Has Come", as performed by Farrah Fawcett
"Thirty Whacks", as performed by Golly Mina!
"Truce", as performed by Johnny
"Ultima Esperanza", as performed by Regina Spektor and Mariah Carey (don't worry; in the verses, she'll sing in a normal octave and make an excellent harmony with Regina in the "ooh-ooh" bits)
"What's the Use of Wond'rin'?", as performed by Martin Bisi
"Will", as performed by William Shatner

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If you have tips or evidence regarding the Amanda Palmer case, please email them to: aptips@alexawebbreport.com

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